As a kid Ana my moms friend was very adventurous and fearless, growing up in Kinshasa, Congo the freedom parents gave there kids was incredible this was due to the fact that all parents knew it each other and that they all went to the same church on Sunday's.
With that being I once asked my mom what the freakiest thing she experienced as a kid, knowing that her and Ana her best friend always were up to something crazy when they weren't supervised. What she told me that day freaked me out.
When she was 12 she lived in the city and was enrolled in a private school which was on the other side of town and the only thing separating her from her school which she had to walk to every morning was a the national graveyard. The morning walk never scared her it's the walk back that was scary and spooky this was because she had heard that a few years back that an old man who owned 13 cats had past away from a bizarre and strange death and the day he was had found his body was surrounded by all his cats and they were all crying like humans.
She was also told that a few days after this man pasted away that all the cats magically disappeared on the graveyard close to where he was resting. The rumor also was that at midnight all the cats came onto this mans grave to praise him as if he was a God and this was because he loved cats so much.
As all gossiping teenage girls do my mom told her friend Ana who of course didn't believe it and wanted to know for herself. The curiosity of Ana made her wonder if this story was true and not fiction so she asked my mom to have a girls night which the often did to then later on that night go see for themselves. My mom having all the pride she had didn't want to admit that she was scared to go on this adventure but not being want called a loser she decided to go anyways.
That night was colder then usual and the graveyard darker than ever, on their way there they had seen on white cat which did not mean much to them. But as they got closer they seemed to come across more and more cats and all seemed to be heading toward the graveyard. As they arrived there a little before 12 my mom told me. She said everything had changed the climate had gone from cold to warm and the lighting of the graveyard seemed to direct you to one spot and one spot only that mans grave.
She said as 12 o'clock hit she saw all the cats from that neighborhood run towards that grave and start crying like they were having a funeral.
She said that this experience freaked her out and that she never walked across that place again.
I think you need to work on punctuation and grammar to make your story credible and easier to follow. It does have a little bit of credibility because this happened to your mom.
ReplyDeleteFlow and rephrasing certain items are two things I would work on. Now the whole cats gathering and morning is too far fetched to believe. I'm not saying your mom is lying, but I struggle to believe this story souly on the lack of facts. In your analysis, I recommend getting some facts or findings of this sort of thing happening so that you can help prove your point in a better way.
ReplyDeleteWork on your grammar and flow because this made it at times hard to follow, this also makes the story more difficult for me to believe. I like the fact that it is your mom experiencing this rather than just a myth or story. Also make sure to use grammar to create pauses along with other punctuation.
ReplyDeleteThere is a flow that keeps being interrupted by errors in the paper. I think if this was edited it would end up being a lot better but the errors distract you because youre trying to fix it rather than read and digest the material.
ReplyDeleteYour story is good but I would definitely suggest having someone read over it and help you with the grammatical mistakes so it doesn't seem so rushed, and make it more credible. The flow of the story would work a lot better with a little bit of editing!:)
ReplyDeleteGood story. Your sentences didn't flow to well which effected your credibility. You had a very good concept, you just needed to show that and put the emotion into it to make it seem believable.
ReplyDeleteIt was a good story, there is certain things like your grammer and structure that you need to work on. The first paragraph was a run-on sentence. It is somewhat credible since it happened to your mom.
ReplyDeleteGood story, but it needs to be proof-read to fix the grammer and to make flow better. It was a interesting story for sure. Having this happen to your mom helps the credibility of the story.
ReplyDeleteConsistent with what others have said, if you re-edited your paper and corrected some of the grammatical and structural errors, it will help your credibility. I think that you could make the story more believable by discussing the strange and bizarre death of the old man. What happened? Why did the cats praise him when there are other people who likely love cats just as much? I think that answering some of those questions and adding more detail will help the credibility and emotional appeal.
ReplyDeleteAs said by everyone else your grammar hurts your credibility just because it doesn't seem or sound official. I mean it is a good story, the facts are there, because it happened to your mom so establishes credibility. But you could of presented it in a different way so readers might seen likely to believe it even more.
ReplyDeleteI would just caution you to re-read your story and think about how you are trying to convince your reader. I think this story is very scary but it could use a couple of edits.
ReplyDeletei liked the story and all but you had quite a few grammer mistakes that you might want to look back on and revise. i like how the story has a creepy element to it but the way you wrote it makes it hard to believe the story.
ReplyDeleteIt was an interesting story to read. I feel like it could be amazing with a little editing and revisions.You had some good elements that made me as the reader scared at times but also the credibility was effected by the errors. Im looking forward to reading more of your stuff through out the year.
ReplyDeleteThere were quite a few grammatical errors throughout your story. You might want to double check everything; it would help to make your story seem more credible. If you described what the sound of the cats "crying" was like, it might help people to find your story more credible.
ReplyDeleteThe idea for this story was good but the reader couldn’t concentrate on the story because of the grammatical and spelling errors. This fact hurts your credibility a lot because it doesn’t seem professional and by extension believable. There is some credibility here though because of all the details you mentioned in the story and that it was your mother who told you this story, and how it happened to her and a friend.
ReplyDeleteI think you should re read your story out loud to yourself, so you can hear all the errors. There are some spelling and grammar issues. Also some sentences are hard to follow. The fact that this happened to your mom helps the credibility.
ReplyDeleteThere's a few grammatical errors and you need to revise your story a bit but other than that, it has good credibility just because you heard the story from your mom and not just anyone else.
ReplyDeleteGreat story! Very detailed and the fact that your mom told you the story makes it believable but your grammar was a bit off and the sentences didn't flow no nicely and that hurt your credibility. Nice job though!
ReplyDelete