During the beginning of 2009, I was part of a very unusual occurrence that took place in Littleton CO. A group of us had gathered at my cousins house to celebrate his seventeenth birthday. A while passed and we decided to venture down to an old barn by his house that had been around for many years, before anything around it had been built. Many people had claimed that this particular barn was haunted. When we approached the barn we realized it was fenced and listed as government property, but of course, being young teenagers that did not stop us from going around the fence and completely ignoring the “do not enter” signs.
It was late at night and the only light around was a full moon and the lighting emitted from our cell phones. After tripping and stumbling on ditches and logs we finally made it to the barn door. After gathering up the courage we slowly entered the antique barn finding many old meat hooks lining the walls and dangling from the ceiling as well as what seemed to be animals or some creatures moving around the floor. Two of my friends and I decided to climb to the top of the barn to see if anything could be lurking about.
We climbed an old wooden ladder to the loft of the barn and nothing seemed to be there but the door to the loft which was open. One of my friends decided he was going to call out and mock what he believed to be demons or supernatural creatures around. On a night where the weather was calm, he began to yell, curse and mock them when all of a sudden we heard a loud crashing noise and the door to the loft slammed close without any force or wind. We all simultaneously began to try to climb down the ladder stumbling over each other, terrified. We met up with the other members of our group and sprinted away while once again tripping over ourselves and the ground to reach our cars in safety.When we returned to our cars after what seemed to be hours, we sped away back to my cousin's house. Together we discussed what we believed had occurred. Although everyone had differing opinions on what had happened that night, it goes without question that it had been strange, unusual, and terrifying.
i like this story cause I can connect it to my own life because I live in Littleton, CO. It is very descriptive, and helps the reader understand what you went through that night. Maybe add in what some thoughts were of what happened?
ReplyDeleteThis story was so relatable to us, because we are mischievous teenagers. You should definitely talk about what you thought happened that night. Other than that your story was great. the detail made it very realistic.
ReplyDeleteGood use of emotion in your story. It makes us feel fearful of the unknown and makes it seem extremely real. I also like how you mentioned the terror you guys felt, and the word choice used when you "tripped and stumbled over each other, terrified."
ReplyDeleteI think your story is very credible because it happened to you. Having a group of friends with you also strengthened your credability argument. You may be able to work on your clear language but otherwise you did a fabulous job!
ReplyDeleteGood story. It seemed very credible. I do believe that the emotion wasn't really there though. Maybe adding a little more detail and trying to paint a picture with your writing would help out a lot. Once again, good story.
ReplyDeleteGood job on the background information, it was a big build up and had me expecting something more. Your descriptions are extremely vivid and bring great images to my head. It wasn't particularly convincing to me. When a door slams that usually means wind is present.
ReplyDeleteDouble check your punctuation in the essay. As for the plot, it was short and well told. I could follow a series of events without much trouble. If I was you, I would have expanded on details a little more so to make your story easier for people to envision what you saw. It will help your credibility in the way that people can put themselves in your shoes and feel like the story is personal to them. Then you can argue some logical reasoning's, emotional reasoning and what not. The fact that there was no wind is a good thing to hit up on when analyzing this story.
ReplyDeleteCheck your punctuation, grammar, and spelling. Spacing out your piece so it's easier to read would be helpful and boost your credibility since the paper would look more official. Writing it in 1st person and listing places boosts the credibility of the story. Though it is creepy to have something shut randomly, listing that you were teenagers doing what you shouldn't have been doing makes it seem more like a prank and makes the story unbelievable.
ReplyDeleteGood story, you started out good building up for your climax and that made me expect more about your story. Maybe you can expand more in what you guys saw inside the barn, and add a little more detail to it, so it makes it more credible.
ReplyDeletehaving spent part of my summer in Littleton i was right away attracted to this story. i wish you would have added more emotions in the reading, tell me how you felt etc.
ReplyDeletegood story though
Good job! I could clearly picture what was going on. It is also very easy to relate to – everyone has had their mischievous moments as a teenager, especially acting like you are not scared and wanting to explore what you are told not to. This creates a part of the emotional appeal. You can exaggerate this by adding in more detail about the other things you saw in the barn and what happened. The presence of a group of people during the event also helps the credibility.
ReplyDeleteA few things need to be fixed, but otherwise it was a good story. Teenagers would definitely do something like that. Having this happen to you helps the credibility of the story. There was a lot of good detail in this story.
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