This is an experience that I had back when I was living in Misawa, Japan in the base hospital that was located on the base. Back in December of last year I had to have surgery and after I had the surgery I had to go to the hospital for the next month to have the surgical site packed with gauze. I had to go to the emergency room every night to get the wound packed and I was also doing college classes at night so I would have to go to the emergency room late at night.
So one night while I was in the waiting area of the emergency room at around 12:00 at night waiting to be called back to one of the rooms, I could see the elevator and a set of automatic doors that requires an ID card to be swiped in order for them open. As I sat there waiting I was playing on my iphone and then suddenly the elevator doors had just opened with no one in it and I figured it was nothing. After the elevator doors had closed I continued to play a game on my iphone and then the set of doors had opened up by themselves which shouldn’t happen because they required an ID badge to be swiped to open and after the doors closed the elevators had reopened back up and then gone up a floor. I sat there in wonder and complete shock because I’ve never seen that happen before in my life.
After all this had happen I had gone to see if there was anyone there to try and explain the reason that the doors and elevator had opened up by themselves. I told the person that pulled me back what had happened hoping that he could explain it and all he said that it happens quite bit and that other unusual things happen also around the hospital at night.
I’ve heard and seen shows that say of hospitals being haunted before and everything, but I never thought that I would experience it in person. I looked in to the history of the hospital and it’s been around since the Second World War which could explain why the hospital is haunted.
Your story is interesting, I think it catches the readers attention right away. Take out the "So" in the second paragraph, just start with One. Also maybe just re-read your paper and make sure all the sentences make sense. Some of them are a little repetitive.
ReplyDeleteThis story is interesting and credible because it happened to you. You should reread it and reconstruct some sentences because they get repetitive and make it a little more formal. Also, explain the relevance between the haunted hospital to WWII.
ReplyDeleteThe story is really good! It sounds really believable since you looked up a bit of history on the hospital and you got to experience it first hand. Add a little more detail about the war and time period it was built, and I think that would really add to the story.
ReplyDeleteI thought there was a certain amount of credability to your story because it happened to you. I also really liked the fact the you left it open to the reader to decide what they thought about the weird happenings. I would just suggest that you go back and re-write some sentences as there are many run ons. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThere's good detail about the strange elevator that makes me want to believe this literally happened. The fact that there's an emotion of wonder and suspicion in the paper also helps the credibility. In your last paragraph, it was good that you said you've seen evidence of this happening before. Great work on making it believable, just fix a few sentences here and there.
ReplyDeleteSome people might believe this because its your words but other people might not because it is your word. The fact that your very descriptive also helps your credibility, because the readers fall into it. Also, I like how you mention WW2 at the end but you really didnt tie it to your story.
ReplyDeleteHospitals are the epicenter of ghosts, so I completely believe this story. Its credible because it happened to you while you were in japan. I suggest that you put some more detail into it, because it seemed a little rushed to me. Overall its good.
ReplyDeleteSince this story is about something happening to you, it makes it more credible. Also there are a lot of stories similar to this one about unexplainable things happening in a hospital, which makes it more believable. Explaining the reference to WWII a little more would helpful. Good story though.
ReplyDeleteGood story. Very credible and interesting. Your story lacked some emotion though and it was a bit short. Adding more vivid details would fix both of those problems. You also ended your story with a great fact which helps your credibility even more. Good job.
ReplyDeleteYour introduction and the body paragraphs just got to the main point of your story, not much detail but once you got to your conclusion you really connected the entire story and put more credibility to it. Great story!
ReplyDeleteGood job with background info, but i didn't feel a solid summary. I personally think that complete shock is sort of wasted on an opening elevator door, because that could happen due to faulty wiring.
ReplyDeleteThe flow was a little awkward in this tale of the paranormal. I can certainly relate to creepiness of doors opening that shouldn't and I believe that many people could as well. Keep in mind that playing on your iphone and looking up when you hear something could pose speculation among readers. Maybe you just missed someone walking thought the doors.
ReplyDeleteIts really good up until the last sentence of the entire paper. Everything about it is creepy and makes me think but the last sentence just is like yeah its true since world war 2 and thats all you need to know, not that there could have been horrible ridiculously wounded people on the brink of death all through the hospital.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that the doors were locked by an I.D. swipe made the idea a lot more scary and effective. Also the little bit of history at the end gave the hospital some history, and made the setting in japan all the better!
ReplyDeletethe credibility of this story is high because this happen to you. the background is another strong element in your story and it kind off reminds me of paranormal activity. just give it a little more detail to capture the audience more
ReplyDeleteThe mention of World War II adds to why the hospital could be “haunted.” It is also more believable because the hospital personnel have also experienced the same unusual situations. There are minor grammatical errors and repetition (particularly in the second paragraph) that could be revised. Otherwise, very interesting story especially since you would expect a base hospital to have a strong security system that would not malfunction as described.
ReplyDeleteWhile this story could be considered supernatural, it could also be an exposé on technological glitches. In order for it to be more supernatural, you could expand on the other uncanny activities happening around the hospital at night that the person who pulled you back talked about. Also, if you explained why the fact that the hospital was built around WWII could make it haunted. Other than that, the story seemed a little rushed and some errors could be corrected to make it seem more credible. The fact that it did happen to you in Japan though adds some credibility.
ReplyDeleteI noticed you used at least one contraction when you said "shouldn't" so eliminate that and any other ones. Also some parts were a bit confusing because it seemed like you used more words than you needed to such as "so". I did think this story was very interesting and credible because it happened to you and you explained it well for the most part.
ReplyDeleteDouble check your sentences for repetition and some grammar issues. Adding more detail might help to make the story seem more credible, especially if you list specific examples of creepy things that tend to happen in hospitals. The ipod game makes me think it was more a misfiring of signals between the phone and the door that opened the elevator, making the story seem less credible.
ReplyDeleteIt was a good story. I enjoyed reading it but it was hard at times. The was a little bit of repitition of words and ideas. With a little editing and revisions you can fix that. THe intro had good details that boosted the credibility of the story which was good to start with.
ReplyDeleteThe story is really good! the background is another strong element in your story and it kind off reminds me of paranormal activity. and i love your word choise
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