I stared. The curtain was the same as it had always been: a blanket thrown over a window. It was dusty and tattered. I saw something in the curtain though -- a face with sharp features and wide, angry eyes. The face would only appear in the middle of the night when I finally managed to start dozing off. I feared the face that watched me.
I had never seen anything unusual in my house. I only saw white walls and boring objects. I started seeing the face of the "demon" when I switched to my second high school in 2009. I thought I was just crazy and seeing things or my exhuastion was pulling a cruel joke on me. The nervousness from switching schools was another idea I attributed to the face.
I started attending church a month after the face first appeared on my curtain. My pastor, Eric, spoke of demons like they were real. We read passages in the Youth Group about the demons that Jesus expelled from the poor and read stories of possessions in Africa, Europe, and Asia. Other churches I attended said the same: they were real and were waiting to find us. After accepting God into my life, the face disappeared from my curtain.
I realize now there was probably a demon hiding in the curtain, waiting for a moment to strike. Demons are said to be everywhere: within people as they act out, taking control of poorer countries, and roaming the Earth as they wait to attack. Perhaps the only real demons are those within us that we don't want to show the world. Whether the demons are real or not, have you ever wondered at the possibility when the hairs on your neck rise and you feel you're being watched?
The beginning gets the reader very hooked into the story. The church part could be a component that helps and hurts your credibility. For people who are not very religious, they may not believe what you are saying. But for people who are religious they may have similar experiences and can relate, and believe what is said about demons.
ReplyDeleteThe way you started your story and continued in it really was like you were just telling a story. I could also relate to this story because of the religious aspect to it. It was also interesting how you added other explanations for demons at the ending. Maybe you should put in a story of other believers who have experienced the same thing or a scripture from the bible just to steer your credibility in the right way.
ReplyDeleteGood story, but I also agree with what Jordan says: that if you aren't very religious, it could be difficult to go with, so the audience may be limited. When you talk about the demons and how they roam the earth, this section could use a little bit more credibility towards it. But in general, you used some emotion to help us want to believe it.
ReplyDeleteThis story seems very real to you and I could sense that in your writing. I Think you did an excellent job at hooking the audience in and showing them your experience. I would have to agree with Jordan and say that I think an included story from another believer or stories from the Bible might be a good thing to add. Great job!
ReplyDeleteIs truth what everybody else said, the story might only appeal to religios people that do believe in demons and this could not just narrow your audience but it could also hurt your credibility becuase of the topic. But to me it was really easy to believe again because the religios aspect of it, but also because it was well written and it made me feel what you were experiencing.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your introduction! The fact that you attended church and received information on how demons are real really gives your story credibility. Great story!
ReplyDeleteGood story. The beginning was really good, but your story lacked credibility. It sounded like you just told a story but didn't put the "real life" part into it. The ending also hurt your credibility. Your story was very detailed especially when talking about the face. Once again, good job.
ReplyDeleteI found this very interesting to read, because I can relate a bit to what you wrote about. It is always before I fall asleep when I see things. Now I know I'm not tripping on anything, but the environment of darkness, the exhaustion of the mind at the end of the day. Since you added the part about moving, that helps explain the stress/exhaustion on ones mind. Argue from a logical standpoint. Religion is good to bring up with facts about demons, because all religions face demons. Try to avoid declaring your faith. I support your declaration of faith from a fellow Christian's point of view, but throwing religion into papers can hurt your goal to prove yourself to people. Many readers don't take kindly to declarations of faith. They just want fact and the point.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that the demon is possessing a curtain isnt that scary at all. Maybe more description of the face. Also floating heads dont really seem too intimidating to me, they dont have bodies to do anything with, its just a head.
ReplyDeleteYour story starts off very strong, and as the reader, got me very hooked. I think for future papers you could go into more detail about the history behind what the church thinks,and demons in those countries. Like said above, the church part can hurt and help your credibility for those who do and don't believe. By going into more depth on the history you may be able to help those who dont believe understand where you're coming from. Very nicely written!
ReplyDeleteMy favorite sentence in the whole story was the last one of the introduction. It was a totaly normal introduction and relaitable untill you added that last sentence to it. i was instantly hooked after that. Not being apart of any specific religion myself, i still found the bit of the church to really help out the credibility of the story. Personally i felt it added 2,000 years of practiced beliefs to the credibility of the story, which is no small amount of time. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThis is a good story. The introduction was very well written and got the readers attention. Most people wouldn't do much to find answers as much as you did. By going to church helps the credibility of the story.
ReplyDeleteI get the feeling like someone is watching me aswell. This was good story it was simple and very believable. Adding the church was a plus to the credibilty. Overall it was very good!
ReplyDeletethe start of your story is very different from the other ones i red. the details are good and the fact you add religious aspect to this story makes it more credible to me because i believe in God
ReplyDeleteI think that you limit the audience that you are appealing to due to the religious aspect of the story. Maybe you could discuss other coping mechanisms that people who are not religious could use to deal with those inner demons. I like how you say that perhaps the only demons are those within us. This connected with how you tried to reason what you were seeing with nervousness and exhaustion. I think that the mind is definitely more vulnerable to the paranormal at night when combined with these feelings. Either way, I like how it could be a demon or something that you fabricate based on your life circumstances or how you’re feeling.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very well told story, but a possible hindrance to its believability is the religious tone it has. While it doesn’t bother me, it could other people and then stop them from taking this story seriously. What helped the believability is the other mentioning of demons, but on that note I think a separate anecdote about the demons would help the credibility of the piece. Just saying that there are other cultures that believe in demons is not very precise, and an actual story would be. Because this story happened to you, that makes it credible because it is a direct source and nothing could be added along the chain of storytellers because you are the story teller.
ReplyDeletethis story is well written. i have to agree that the religious tone to this story kind of makes it hard to believe for some of the readers. there are very few grammers mistakes but they don't affect the message of the story in any way. overall this was a great story to read
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a very good, emotional, well written story. For me personally it had more credibility because I also attend church pretty regularly, however I agree with the others in that if someone is not religious then they might sort of just blow it off. You gave a lot of detail and did really well in writing this.
ReplyDeleteI love the intro. It had me hooked right away. It kinda made me scared to go to bed tonight. Bringing religion into the story can be good or bad. Personally i can relate to going to church but for some readers it might make it harder for them to relate and effect your credibility. Overall great job
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a very good, well written story.I love the intro. It had me hooked right away. And the descreb of some details make me can feel the credibility of it .
ReplyDelete