This one time I heard this story from my brother’s dad; A story about his son, me. This story came into existence in the creepy Del Arte Lofts and Flats, where a young relationship was on the rocks. A girl and a boy, desperate to be off on their own, experiencing life as it isfor themselves, were finally right where they wanted to be, experiencing the relentless fist of life. They had spent a lot of time together in the months prior and they knew each other overly well. The boy was college bound and preparing himself for what laid ahead. The girl was there for the boy. She was different though; she thought of herself as sensitive. She had been through tragedies and been devastated by horrible events throughout the length of her life. It was something she had grown accustomed to. She knew sorrow; it played a huge role in her life. And when that happens things tend to pick up on that and feed on it. Sorrow and pain are the two things they need most in their immortal lives.
The girl had lived in Germany before because of her military dad. As a young girl, her and her brother can both remember being walked to school by an old Nazi Soldier. She later found out that her living quarters was an old nazi barracks. She has gone through her life with ghosts being attracted to her and that is something that can really freak anyone out; just ask the kid from the Sixth Sense.
Now, her life had changed though. She came to Denver with me because she loves me, but she brought everything creepy along with her. Our dream apartment we once looked forward to so much had now become a lonely box where something else was watching and provoking you to move to a different part of the apartment. We could go to the store and come back to our spring loaded fuse box being wide open, or one of the heavy drawers in the kitchen would be protruding unexpectedly. There could be nothing making noise in the apartment and she could go into the kitchen and just randomly say, “huh?” Just because she would hear me say something when I never really said anything at all. This creeped her out the most. She could swear she would hear something every single time, and I can swear that I had never said a word.
Then she left, and left every single creepy thing about the apartment here along with me. I sit here with clicks and knocks sounding in the same room as me, or the sounds of socks brushing across the carpet elsewhere in the apartment when nobody is really walking. My “home” is a place that makes me want to leave it as soon as I can everyday. I spend the least amount of time here possible, but that is still too much for me. One can only live with the feeling of being constantly watched for so long and for me, it has been too long all ready.
Now I'm moving to the dorms and she' s going back to the Springs for the year. I hope that whatever attaches itself to her doesn’t come with me to the dorms to continue freaking out a much larger group of people. I’m tired of being creeped out, so I hope it will be long gone when I’m far from this place too. The one thing I worry about more than anything though is when we come back to living with each other and all the weird things will continue to happen in the nice dream house we just bought. People will become possessed and the rest will just turn out like every other scary movie that has ever existed. But to call her mine, torment from ghosts is totally worth it as long is I’m still with her.
The girl had lived in Germany before because of her military dad. As a young girl, her and her brother can both remember being walked to school by an old Nazi Soldier. She later found out that her living quarters was an old nazi barracks. She has gone through her life with ghosts being attracted to her and that is something that can really freak anyone out; just ask the kid from the Sixth Sense.
Now, her life had changed though. She came to Denver with me because she loves me, but she brought everything creepy along with her. Our dream apartment we once looked forward to so much had now become a lonely box where something else was watching and provoking you to move to a different part of the apartment. We could go to the store and come back to our spring loaded fuse box being wide open, or one of the heavy drawers in the kitchen would be protruding unexpectedly. There could be nothing making noise in the apartment and she could go into the kitchen and just randomly say, “huh?” Just because she would hear me say something when I never really said anything at all. This creeped her out the most. She could swear she would hear something every single time, and I can swear that I had never said a word.
Then she left, and left every single creepy thing about the apartment here along with me. I sit here with clicks and knocks sounding in the same room as me, or the sounds of socks brushing across the carpet elsewhere in the apartment when nobody is really walking. My “home” is a place that makes me want to leave it as soon as I can everyday. I spend the least amount of time here possible, but that is still too much for me. One can only live with the feeling of being constantly watched for so long and for me, it has been too long all ready.
Now I'm moving to the dorms and she' s going back to the Springs for the year. I hope that whatever attaches itself to her doesn’t come with me to the dorms to continue freaking out a much larger group of people. I’m tired of being creeped out, so I hope it will be long gone when I’m far from this place too. The one thing I worry about more than anything though is when we come back to living with each other and all the weird things will continue to happen in the nice dream house we just bought. People will become possessed and the rest will just turn out like every other scary movie that has ever existed. But to call her mine, torment from ghosts is totally worth it as long is I’m still with her.
Good story. Great word choice and there was a very high level of creepiness. After the second paragraph though, i got a little confused. You went from 3rd person to 1st person and that lost me. Your first line was very clever I have to say and you ended the piece very well. I would suggest adding more credibility within your story to draw the reader in more and make them believe this is true.
ReplyDeleteThe story was great, it seems very believable and super creepy. Your wording confused me a bit though, you started off as if you were going to tell a story you heard from someone...then it turned into a story about yourself so I did get a little lost. Other than the wording in the beginning it was a great story and the last line about being with her is worth it was cute.
ReplyDeleteYou are a pretty excellent writer and this story creeped me out! I hope the ghosts don't follow you to the dorms as well! I'm not really seeing very much credibility in this paper and would encourage you to change some. Like those posts ahead of mine I would like to caution you on your change from third to first person. It was rather confusing and took me a while to figure out. Other than that I think your writing style is spectacular and it kept me interested in your story.
ReplyDeleteI liked this story because it also is a love story. It is confusing at the start, the first couple of sentences. And I also agree with Katie and Alex about what person you are writing the paper in, but other than that I liked it a lot!
ReplyDeleteYou did a very good job on your intro! A proper background and summary was present which made it very easy to read the rest.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great story but it did also confused me a little since you kept changing your narrative point of view. Don't girls naturally see themselves as being sensitive? How was that strange? Other than that the conclusion was really well connected to the entire story.
ReplyDeleteGood story, but I agree with Natalie and am not sure if there's anything credible. Hearing the story from someone close would make it seem better, but as mentioned above, it jumps point of views. I like the description of the new "home" you put in the middle paragraph.
ReplyDeleteAww this story was so cute! The last line about her being worth ghosts and all was very touching and relatable to many people. The only thing is that you switched points of view as well as some grammar errors. Otherwise really great emotional story!
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm not too sure why the perspective changed so fast. First it is a story you heard, then it appears to be a story that you experienced. Maybe I'm smoking something, but it just didn't transition smoothly and I was more focused on that happened between the intro and the actual main body.
ReplyDeleteAs for the story, there is a good use of emotion so many readers could relate. I would press more on the part of the supernatural. Perhaps mention how you think that she passed a "curse" to the main character, that being the sixth sense. Or perhaps the idea that the ghosts found a new host to haunt. Stress some more fact as well. Say something like, many people have experienced or something like that. Make your reader feel affected to the same degree that the main character was.
The beginning of the story was kind of confusing and I was a little lost. You switched the point of view in the story, that was the main thing wrong, but other than that, it was a good story.
ReplyDeleteThis is an excellent story! I was very entertained and questioning what was next throughout it. However try to keep it in one tense throughout the story rather than going from 1st to 3rd person, also I was a little confused towards the beginning. Make a couple tweaks and it will be great!
ReplyDeleteThe story as a whole came together well, especially with the nice introduction to the setting and the history behind the relationship. The only advice i have is to clean up your sentence structure a little bit, it was somewhat difficult to follow clearly at parts. Other than that nice job!
ReplyDeletei like this story and i think you should've had it in 1st person all the way, makes the reader see it through your eyes basically and adds a twist to it. overall the level of creepiness is there makes you wonder about who you affiliate yourself with.
ReplyDeleteThis was a good story, it had good details and your word choice was good. Although you kept switching from 1rst person to 3rd person, so it got confusing.
ReplyDeleteI like this story because of the way you have such good detail about what is happening in the story. I think that you should have written it in a 1st person instead of 3rd person view would have added a bit more creditbilty to your story. I also like how you have a supernatural story intertwined with sort of love story to it at the end of the story
ReplyDeleteIt is unclear who is the source of the story. In the introduction, it sounds like you heard the story from your dad, but then as the story progresses, it sounds like you are telling a story about yourself. The story also changes from third to first person. I liked the examples you included regarding what happened at the apartment and the girl’s background, this helped establish why the spirits were following her.
ReplyDeleteIf your intentions were to creep out the readers good job!. Lol, its a good story you know to tell when you go camping at night or something. i still don't get if your part of the story or if you heard it from you dad or what, which might hurt your credibility, otherwise great story.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit confused by the beginning of your story when you said you heard this story from your brother’s dad, but then it was a story about you. Also be careful with run-on sentences. I got a little lost when you switched from 3st person to 1st person.
ReplyDeleteThe last two paragraphs written in 1st person are much stronger than some parts in the beginning. In my opinion it adds credibility because you write about how you experienced it. In the second paragraph you had some really good descriptions of all the things that happened after she left, that creeped me out and made me think it could be real.
Well written story. Right away i felt creeped out and really liked it! your word choice made it fun to read and put a real feel to the story.It was hard to tell who the story really was coming from but it still achieved the goal of being spooky.Overall i enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, the story confused me a lot with the introduction and the constant switching from 3rd to 1st person. The first sentence is confusing and makes it difficult to distinguish who the story is about. Some of the grammar and sentence structures need to be corrected. If you had expanded more on the paranormal activities, I might have believed your story.
ReplyDeleteThis story at the bare minimum was a really good story; the idea was entertaining and could be possibly be considered believable. The downfall to this piece though is the point of view and structure of the sentences sometimes hinders the reader from becoming too involved with the story. If the writing was clearer and not all over the place, the reader could easily become emotionally involved in this story. It was nice hearing about everything you would do for your girlfriend, but your style of writing was distracting and I couldn’t concentrate on anything else, lowering the credibility.
ReplyDeleteIt is a well story. But I think if you writting something about the situation and details maybe the story will become more credibility.
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