In many areas around the world, there are supernatural events that occur. In these’s events, there is usually a lost spirit trying to contact someone in present, for good or either for bad. An incident like this occurred to a boy and his family in their new home.
At the age of 15, Jacob grew up believing in realistic things, unlike Santa clause, the tooth fairy, or even spirits. Jacob and his family moved into a new house located in a rural area in Colorado Springs. He was very uneasy about his new home, but his mother and father reassured him. 3 months had passed, and Billy became comfortable in his home. But, a series of supernatural events had occurred. Jacob’s mother began to see dark figure in the corner of her room—this figure had human like features. At first, she brushed it off, until she kept seeing this figure in the same spot in her room. Jacobs’s mother began to talk to herself, and tried explaining this to her husband, but he ignored it. She would repeat to herself that there was a Native American man staring at her. After these countless events, they took his mother to a mental institute for evaluation.
3 more months had passed since his mother was admitted in a mental institute. Jacob and his father thought that everything was “normal”, until one night they heard drums beating from their basements. Then cups and plates would rattle and sometimes fall on the ground. This startled Jacob, but his father’s seemed undisturbed by these events. As Jacobs’s father went to his bed, he noticed a man, standing in the corner in the room, staring at him with its piercing eyes, this truly scared him. In the morning, Jacobs’s father decided that they should move since Jacobs mother is being released in a couple days.
Once his mother was released, Jacob was excited to see her, she seemed pretty healthy. Her skin was glowing, and her smile radiated when she seen them. While moving into this new house, the family was excited and happy that everything is going to be normal once again. A couple weeks had passed, and supernatural events started again. Jacob’s mother began to speak to herself and started to see this figure once again. So he decided to take matters into his own hands. He started to speak to psychics to unravel some answers. One psychic told him that this spirit was lost, and is searching for a new home and revenge. She couldn’t tell him why but it gave him some new insight on the situation.
When Jacob got home, he seen his mother and father lying on the bed, they looked very ill and pale. Their eyes were cold and bleak and they couldn’t stop staring at the ominous corner in the room. Jacob started talking to his grandma about their ancestors. She told him that one of their ancestors used to build houses on Native Americans burial grounds and even killed the leader of a Black foot tribe. After killing this man, Jacobs’s ancestor committed suicide after seeing a “dark figure” .This shocked Jacob, and with more research, their last home they lived in was built on a black foot burial ground, this helped him understood why this spirit is haunting his family.
Jacob hired a psychic to rid the spirit from their home; the psychic did this by burning sage in their home. Numerous of days passed from the encounter with the black foot leader, and they no longer seen this spirit.
From Jacobs and his family encounter with this spirit, it usually occurs when building or even homes were built on top of burial grounds. When his family got sick, this spirit was doing this to them in order for them to feel their pain.
I would read your story through and change some grammar and spelling. Your third paragraph should start with the spelling of three not the actual number. I might reword the first sentence of your last paragraph, it's a little confusing. I think the Blackfoot thing really adds to the stories credibility.
ReplyDeleteThis story was definitely interesting but a little hard to follow and the grammar needs to be adjusted. I think the beginning of paragraph 5, when you are talking about Jacob coming home to his ill parents, should be after you explain about his ancestors, like in the next paragraph.
ReplyDeleteGiana, great story. The facts you gave in the story really help me believe it more, like when you talked about about the black foot tribe here in Colorado Springs. But I think you should revised your story a little closer and focus a bit more in your structure and grammar, because your content is already great.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting story. I like the facts and details added into it, like when he needed to hire a psychic to rid the spirit. That seems credible since we associate psychics to doing these types of things. To add more credibility, maybe state how you know about this family since it's hard to determine whether this story is real or not. Aside from grammar, also consider spicing up the ending paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThis story was very interesting and it really appealed to the emotional side of both the family's and the Native American's arguments. One suggestion I would make is to re-read your story and make some grammatical corrections. Other than that, good job!
ReplyDeleteAlthough this didn't really affect you or someone in your family the fact that you gave out a lot of details made it very credible. Great story!
ReplyDeleteAmazing story! The emotion radiates from the story and you have a lot of detail to back your story up. The credibility is lacking a bit because it didn't happen to you or someone you know, but it is a very good story. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis seemed more like a review of the movie "Poltergeist" rather than a credible story. The grammar and spelling throughout the piece should be double-checked. The spin-off feel of a movie and grammar made the story seem very unreal and unreliable to me.
ReplyDeleteThis story doesnt have a lot to back up the experiences, like its kind of far fetched. Also grammar was bad in places like saying seen instead of saw. The shadow native is a very creepy character though.
ReplyDeleteI have always had a hard time believing the whole Indian Burial Ground thing. I had a hard time believing this story due to that fact and the whole burning sage in the house was a little bit of a stretch for me. I would argue some more facts if you can in your analysis. I know that sage is burned by other cultures for things like this and the fact that people can fall ill when they see things.
ReplyDeleteYour story was really good! I would suggest maybe reading through it again and making some grammatical corrections. The story is told in such a way I might question its credibility because it doesn't go into detail, and it doesn't come across as a story that has happened to you or a family member, rather just a story about a tribe you may have read before. Just add a little more detail and it'd be great!
ReplyDeleteThe plot of the story was Amazing, and the addition of the mental hospital really helped me believe that what the mother had seen was scary. That being said, i think that the way you presented the story stole from the suspence a bit. the voice seemed a little matter of fact instead of suspenceful. When the lines
ReplyDelete" 3 months had passed, and Billy became comfortable in his home. But, a series of supernatural events had occurred."
came up, i felt like it let the cat out the bag before it was ready. Instead of directly stating that supernatural things occured before you describe them, let the story speak for itself. A knock out punch in the first round is direct and all, but the audience really came to see a long winded 9 round match so to speak. Other than that it was a great piece!
Although your idea was interesting, it seemed like it was just a fictional story—that you made it up for the assignment and that was all. I think this is so because you do not mention who you heard the story from, and that may mean you just made it up. Also, the grammar could be improved to make the story feel more credible. The story would be better understood if it was written in a single tense.
ReplyDeletethe plot of this story is really good but there are a few flaws in it like grammar that kind off takes away from the story. add more background info
ReplyDeleteI like how you approached the story from a third person perspective and didn’t talk about a story that happened to you or about something that you heard from a close source. This is different from the approach that most of the other stories took; however, that means that you need to add credibility to your story in a different manner. I would suggest adding more detail (possibly historical facts) about the relation between the Black Foot tribe and Colorado Springs. Why didn’t Jacob see the spirit? There were also some grammatical errors that should be addressed. I liked the content though! Very interesting.
ReplyDeleteThis story was interesting, a few minor grammer mistakes. Adding some more detail would make the story more realistic and believable. The way the story was written hurts the credibility. Indian-related stories like these aren't too rare also.
ReplyDeleteVery entertaining story, it had me guessing what was going to happen next throughout it. You did have several grammatical errors that i caught however, such as the word "seen" being used incorrectly. Also the first paragraph had the word "these" used incorrectly and the second paragraph started with 3, rather than three. If you fix these errors your story should be good.
ReplyDeleteThis story is great but it has quite a few grammar mistakes in the story that I had seen. The flow of the story was great in making it easy to read and understand what was going on. The story could use some fact to support your story but overall it was good.
ReplyDeleteOther than the grammar it was a great story. Well written and very interesting. A few more details wouldnt hurt but its pretty good as it is. It felt like a story i have heard before so i cant decide it that help or hurts the credibility. Overall good job!
ReplyDeletePretty sweet story there! the fact that the mother was sent to a special facility gives it the perfect real world feel, because that is what would happen in many cases when someone is in great disbelief. Also, to burn sage is a cleansing thing, so that makes sense at the end.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting and well story. I like the facts and details added into it, The detail make it more credibility and vivid .Also the words in your story are very accurate. I like your words choise.
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